Ask Your Body / 5.21.16 / 8:23-8:53

I am fat but one day I will be thin and you will always have been.

From the first light until the abyss.

That constancy must be challenging.

That omniscience? Shit. It’s a wonder you aren’t a fucking lunatic feeding off the flesh of your children like Saturn or New England. It’d drive me crazy after the first month, let alone millennia.

I mean, infinity’s a motherfucker if ever there was one and here you are once and ever. To be and have been and always as always is until everything and everyone learns to cease which I’ve heard, recently, is a very real and future tense possibility and that terrifies me though I know I should be long shuffled into the ether before all that is was and – at that point – I’ll just be (if I can still retain a sense of singularly in the monolithic singularity) electric dust on the clouds in the vacuum ebbing and returning shifts and shadows like nothing, nothing, nothing before or since because each every – though united – is unique, so…

Is that what happens, then?

Is nothing the pitch?

Who knows?

If you don’t, then what good is omniscience?

I can understand if you’d rather not say because oblivion worship is rather passé and your dime and dozens are very much invested in the clouded cornerstones but FUCK I need to know tonight.

I need to understand that living is right.

Because sometimes it feels like a sham and I’d gladly take my exit if there wasn’t some notion of now and forever consequence.

So what is it, then?

Where does it end?

Where did it begin?

Burroughs intimated that you pulled the trigger but before that, there had to have been something. All the everythings can’t simply happen with a reasonless blink into being.

So what?

Why?

Are you the egg or the chicken or the farmer or the dell or what the hell?

When I was a boy, I believed earnestly and effortlessly and then my mother told me she was going to die but she didn’t and then she told me everything was going to be fine but it wasn’t and so I learned about fear and I learned about death and I learned about lies well before my time and all that knowledge has made me a mess of a man who might as well have been excused already but since I am tied to bodies and breaths and life I won’t so immediately because I’ve always held fast to the idea that the great grace would survive but if it doesn’t, then what?

Was it never meant to?

Is this whole matter happenstance and if it is what came before and what is bound to come after?

Where does the infinite begin and when can it end?

I’d say this is the real question and it is but the fear that keeps me up late and foolish is the wondering of where it began.

There was the big bang, right?

But what WAS before that?

And if there wasn’t, what was?

 

 

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