To say I miss you would be an insult so I won’t say I miss you, though I’ve already said it twice. Since you left me, there’s been a hole.
There’s really no other way to put it.
There’s a hole in the bed we shared for forty-six years. In the house we roamed for the seventeen since we retired. In the Buick that’s still running due to some inexplicable miracle, the same Buick you tried to insist I get rid of.
Who knew the Buick would outlast you? Outlast us?
The goddamn hunk will probably survive me, considering the mass eating away at my brain.
It’s funny, that mass.
It’s taken away my hands and feet. My taste buds and some of my hearing. But it hasn’t taken away thoughts of you.
I still feel you, still smell you in my bed clothes. I swear I hear your footsteps on the staircase in the middle of the night, right around two when you needed that glass of water that would nearly make you pee yourself first thing in the morning.
But that just may be the tumor.
For all the holes in my life now, thanks to you, the biggest one is the pit of anger I find myself falling down every time I think of you.
Two years. For two years, you’ve abandoned me, left me here, rotting.
I’m so angry with you, I shake when my nurse touches me.
You would hate her. Call her a hussy. And nosy.
She tried to report my shaking as seizures but I pulled her in close one day and just said your name. She got it then, though she didn’t share my rage. Instead, she looks at me with pity now.
You make people pity me.
And I want to say that I hate you for it but that wouldn’t be right.
If anything, I feel alive again because of it, but it doesn’t fill the holes.
Only you could do that.
But you’re not here, are you?
I should just let go, right? Let go of my anger, let go of the empty feeling associated with you, let go of you.
But I can’t. I can’t let go of you and of my pseudo anger and hatred towards you because I’ll die. I’ll finally let go and I will die and I don’t fear death. No, it’s not death I fear.
It’s the thought there’s nothing after. It’s the possibility that there will be no you, no us.
So I lay here, day after agonizing day, holding onto memories of you, of us, while my brain fails me, my body rots, and that goddamn Buick laughs at it all.
Each day that hole widens, traces of you slipping through. Forever.
I miss you. Goddamn it, I miss you. And I don’t want to.